Divorcing the Kids

Before the Divorce: The steps to maintaining a healthy relationship start before the actual process of divorce. Telling the kids is extremely essential. It shapes and moulds their behaviour and perception post-divorce. Social psychologists argue that this is the time when parents can make or break their relationship with children. The key lies in the parents' hands. They can decide if they want to have a healthy relationship with their child in the future.

Always put your child's interests first. It does not matter how bitter and upset you feel. You have to think as a parent first. You ought to sit with the partner you are about to divorce and tell the child.

Always be frank and forthright. Don’t hide facts from the child. If there is going to be a legal separation before the divorce, tell the child about this. Prepare the child to see a parent walking out of the house with his or her suitcase.

Tell the child in the privacy of your house affording him or her a chance to react loudly. Usually, such discussions are followed by tantrums of crying, throwing things and shouting.

Reassure the child of your constant love and support. Make sure to tell the child that even though both of you are getting divorced, the child will always be loved by both of you.

During and After the Divorce: Make sure that a divorce from spouse does not translate into a divorce from your kids. Even though you may not be the custodial parent and residing in a different city, always maintain contact.

Stick to the Court-ordered Custody Regulations: It is important not to cause your kid further distress. Stick to your visitation schedule. Do not break it just to aggravate and get back at your ex.

Communication: Keep a direct and open line of communication with your kid. You must always know what is happening in your kid's life.

If residing in a different city, keep phone contact. Usually, psychologists advise divorced parents to have a phone schedule with the child. The parent should keep in mind that the ex should not be disturbed or annoyed by his or her parental endeveours. It is best to have a specific phone day and time in the week. Non-residential parents usually give the child phone cards to pay for the expense of long distance telephone calls.

Always restrict the phone conversation to the child's activities. The phone conversation is not a fishing expedition to hunt for details about your ex. It is important to remember that the child loves both parents equally. Do not put the child in an impossible situation of taking sides and choosing between the parents.

Your behaviour will merely upset the child. It will put a strain on your relationship. The child will begin avoiding you. Similarly, custodial parents should refrain from using children as middlemen to communicate with ex. If you have to talk, do it directly. Do not use children as your speaking device. It merely causes tension between the child and the parent leading to resentment, anger and hatred.

Be Cordial with Ex: Divorcers usually dislike their exes immensely. But when children enter the picture, the scene changes, The exes have to put aside their personal feelings. They have to think, behave, and react as parents only. Social psychologists argue that the first step is to keep an amicable relationship with the ex.

You do not have to be best friends with the ex. But in front of the kids, you have to be cordial. Refrain from criticising and blaming your ex in front of the children. Do not use them as pawns to satisfy your vengeful feelings towards ex. Also avoid using the child to glean information about the ex every time the child visits the parent.

Be Involved: Keep direct communication channels open via phone, email and letters. In fact, most divorcers give the child a stack of empty addressed envelopes and sheets to ensure that the child writes without causing the ex a headache. Always be involved actively in your kid's life. Attend baseball games, parent meetings and talk to his or her teachers.

Always ensure that the child knows his or her place in your life. Keep a separate cupboard or shelf in his or her bedroom in your new house. Ensure that he or she remains top priority even though you may remarry and have a new life. Never convey the feeling that the child is unwanted.

Psychologists state that a child should not pay for your actions. You filed for divorce. You sought or agreed to permanent separation. The child is an innocent victim of your decision. There is no need to put him or her through misery and pain.

Divorce Articles: http://www.internetionalmedia.com/Category/Divorce/

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see www.quickie-divorce.com

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